If Only I Knew
Oh the irony of finishing up last month's blog post with the words, "thankfully things are calming now". If only I knew how the second half of the month was about to go. I'd already had a rough time to start the month when I wrote last month's post, and just as things were starting to get better Zearxy got ill and I was thrust into almost solo-parenting. All at the same time as trying to hold it together and hit the required weekly deadlines for the MCEC hosting.
I made a video on all of that which went into more detail, but my main point with the things I was saying there was that I was sorry. Sorry for neglecting certain things and sorry that I couldn't do the things I normally do. Now the response in the comments to that video were wonderfully supportive (as I expected because I have the best community) but it still doesn't remove the weight of responsibility I feel for the times when I can't do things.
Some comments mentioned how it's fine to have sick days and family comes first and while all of that is true, being solely responsible for my own income changes the scenario a little bit. I actually don't get sick days in the conventional sense. I can't call up my boss and have other people at the office do the work that needs to be done while I'm off sick. The algorithm doesn't look kindly upon inactivity, and I don't get paid if I don't work. While that setup is fantastic because it gives me a lot of freedom to work how and when I want, it's also challenging in the moments where I genuinely can't work. I have to prioritise, and in really tricky moments like the end of February I have to focus only on what absolutely needs doing in my limited time. And naturally because of all this certain things with lower priority fall by the side. Things like early access videos and exclusive streams for Patreon supporters and YouTube members, or responding to people when they reach out, or even just regular video uploads sometimes struggle to happen as and when I'd want them to.
And I have guilt associated with all of that because a lot of you support me to such an amazing degree, and financially too, that I want to make sure you all get your "money's worth" from me. When I can't do that I feel a natural guilt, although I do think I've learned from this experience. From the responses from you all I've learned to not be as harsh on myself in moments like this (though I'll never be completely guilt-free) and from the experience itself I've learned to perhaps try to have some contingencies in place. Now that I have a child I imagine this won't be the last time something like this happens so I'll try to figure out how I can mitigate some of the disruption in the future. This was certainly a new experience in my YouTube career so as long as I can take something from it to improve situations like this in the future then I'll feel somewhat better.
This time the thing I've had to focus on has been making sure the MCEC continues to run smoothly. I've been really happy with how it's gone in general behind the scenes and how the live streams have improved each week. I'm looking forward to that perfect 5 minutes at the beginning of one of the remaining rounds where I nail the intro, animations, and race start perspective switching. I know I have it in me - doing things live is just a different beast when it's only me as there's so much to focus on and I always forget something! I'm going to feel really accomplished when it happens though and even more so with everything that I've been going through while still putting on the show!
It's been a long post this one so thanks for sticking with me, and thanks for sticking with me during what was a long and arduous February as well. MCEC will be all done by the time of my next post and I'll be looking forward to a fun off-season before one more final GTA 5 focused regular season of content. See you all on the other side!
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Since September 2016 I’ve been posting updates exclusively for supporters to patreon.com/broughy1322, and later also for YouTube members via the community tab. Those posts have been brought over here for archival purposes, and going forward new updates will be released here two weeks after they’re first released for Patreon supporters and YouTube members. Feel free to subscribe on those platforms with the links above to get these posts as soon as they go live.
